Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
