And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
