I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize