whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize