Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
