i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
