Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it's like iHOP with fire
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
