If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
