dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am mentally ready for anal.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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