who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
