why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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