All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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