ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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