I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
