"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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