i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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