break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
