the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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