About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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