There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize