We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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