when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
