Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
