So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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