I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
