u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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