She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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