Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
