we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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