he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize