I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
