I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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