After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
