there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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