Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
