I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
