I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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