I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
