I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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