fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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