turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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