I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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