i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
