I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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