I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
