he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm both gender and math confused
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
