There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
