dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
