I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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