that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
