Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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