i just wanna soil my oats bro
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
