Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
sex in a hospital.. check
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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