i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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