We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
