I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
