After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
