If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
